Sunday, 19 January 2014

The Battle of Sweaty Palms

Right, here we go. Vulgarian battle report by yours truly. Right...  you at the back, yes, you with the hat and the book, pay attention. I've no intention of repeating myself. Where was I? Lost my blasted train of thought with all your shenanigans. Ahem.. ah yes, battle report.
We’d been called out to deal with these St. Elmo johnnies y’see with all their horses and pikes and thoroughly bad attitudes. Right.. you with the hat again, that’s enough. Go and sit over there if you can’t keep your hands off it.

Horses, horses, yes, blithering hundreds of them there were and blow me did they move fast. We were drawn up between two palm tree plantations y’see, nice defensible position, all pretty textbook stuff, infantry in two lines with cannon on the flanks and our cavalry in column to the rear. The enemy infantry, if you can call it infantry, were a good half mile away and the cavalry far off to our right flank behind some rough looking ploughed fields. Thought it would take an age for them to reach us but as it turned out I was rather mistaken.

Did I mention the heat? Damned heat, damn it was hot. Hot, hot, hot. Anyway these cavalry chappies came breezing through the fields as if they weren't there, apparently this Boris fella doesn't mind a bit of rough, hang on, I think that came out wrong... never mind. Ahem...
Suddenly the blackguard’s onto me flank. Rolls over me left side guns and smashes into the columns of cavalry before you can say Jack Robinson. Bish, bash, bosh. The old Comte de Finay dug his spurs in like a blasted pansy and off he went, not so much as a ‘by your leave’. Needless to say I gave him a thorough wigging when I caught up with him later, disgraceful behaviour, very poor example for the men.
During this debacle I had been turning my infantry about face and moving in on him, a couple of battalions through the wood as well to threaten his flank y’see. Truth is that by now he was trying to squeeze a quart into a pint pot, his dander was well and truly up but he just didn't have enough room to manoeuvre and bring all his force to bear. Shooting fish in a barrel and all that, though why anyone would want to shoot fish in a barrel is beyond me, dashed unsporting.
Well that’s about the lot. Lost 3 units of cavalry and 2 guns which was a tad unfortunate but my infantry were all fresh and still held the field at the end of the day.
Did I mention the heat? I did... ah well. It was still damned hot whatever you say.

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