The Battle of Tixilix
Oh what a joyous day, dear brother. The nefarious hordes of
Albion have been defeated by our glorious Covonian
brothers and once more our borders are cleansed of Johnny Foreigner (apart
from the merchants and strumpets obviously).
The dawn found our glorious troops lined up for battle between the two towns of Tixilix and Nimby, both towns were strongly garrisoned with loyal Covonians.
Albion general demanded
the surrender of Tixilix, insisting that a certain fugitive, the Baron de
Scratchpole was within the town walls. This request was most robustly refused
as Tixilix is home to the monks of Fastbuck Abbey, centre of our most lucrative
tonic wine industry.
immediately sent three of his finest regiments against our brave Chasseurs de
Flemm who were part way between the two
towns. All seemed lost but some sharp manoeuvres from the neighbouring 3rd
Covonian enabled our glorious troops to decimate two of the Albionite
regiments. Sadly the brave Chasseurs de Flemm were also destroyed in the
The outraged Citizens of Nimby, led by the editor of the local journal “Ye Dailye Maille” rushed to the nearby woods from where they pelted the remaining foreign hordes and probable asylum seekers with musketry, stones and the occasional flaming squirrel. Unfortunately, several perished in the ensuing fire (dear brother, trees and flaming brands do not mix well!)
The Albionites then tried a general assault on our right flank and the town of
itself. This was rebuffed by our glorious troops and there was confusion and
death in the foul ranks of the Albionite marauders.
With darkness falling, their general asked, and received the honours of war and their army left the field (apart from the dead ones obviously)
Dear brother, we are receiving reports that our glorious Vulgarian allies have also defeated the dastardly owl botherers, it would seem that the war is won and I can return once more to my beloved estates.
Hon. Baron Snott
.... and now... an alternative narrative by His Most Grim our Lord Effingham
As is my style I shall not beat about the bush here. Things did not go well. Things did not go to plan. That said the plan was flawed. By Gads Sir, the plan was mine! ‘OH BAGGER!!’
Our march to battle was the initial problem. It would seem that the Guards brigade encountered the enemy on route to their form up point at the right of the line.
Though reports are sketchy it would seem the enemy were housed in two strong buildings. The first ‘The Bottle of Syrup’. This inn with a huge cellar apparently took many brave attempts and a phenomenal team effort to clear. The other a stoutly built residence for young ladies in financial distress (or so it appears from descriptions of their scantily clad appearance) seems to have being held by the enemies’ horse as I hear reports of ‘Frisky fillies frolicking around’. The result of this delay was devastating!
The main body, deployed ready and equipped to escalade the town, stood aghast as the Guards Brigade doubled past. With a great deal of swagger and élan, singing it advanced straight into the main strength of the enemy.
I will not criticise the leaders of that finest of Brigades. There will be no remark given to sour the memory of the brave and glorious dead. All fault lies with me. My plan to assault the town was a mistake.
The enemy held the place with all the strength of bacterial mucus, clinging to the very walls of the place and seeping into the mortar of the brickwork! Impregnable! That is how the rancid Corvornian Town would be rated.
In penance for my failings I will not wash nor powder my Grand Wiggage for the remainder of this campaign! In memory of those brave fallen sons of Albion I will visit the site of this Tavern and Convalescing home in homage to their great victory prior to the Battle of Tixi Lix.
Now as a final note it is with great sadness that I must report the retirement of two of our companies most splendid and gentlemanly souls.
Our dear Augustus von Thetford, leader of horse, has retired to his estates in Cumberland to be with his comely spouse Wurstella and his daughters Chip and Larter. Augustus gallantly led our horse through campaign and was given the lead in battle against Borogovia. May this easy going and generous chap die with cobwebs in his wig and a sword in his guts. Gods bless you sir!!