Sunday, 16 March 2014

Stop Press: Effingham sensationally quits Albion.

In a shocking move Lord Effingham of Grimbold unexpectedly resigned his commission in the Army of Albion following the end of the recent war. Despite his recent successes in battle and the high regard in which he is held by his peers, Effingham is unhappy with the moves toward peace being taken by the Albion hierarchy. Reports suggest that he has retreated to his vast estates in the hinterland amongst the indigenous Barwonga people and may even be raising an army there.

Although Effingham has been publicly insistent that there has been no split with the royal family and that his actions have the blessing of the Monarch there have been denials from the palace that Effingham has received any instruction. Commentators have suggested that he is taking advantage of a minor change in constitutional law to further his political ambitions.

This recently leaked letter to his wife can perhaps shed light on his frame of mind.

My Dearest Darling Damp Knee

                                                Firstly may I begin this letter with my most heartfelt sympathies that it has been some time since I wrote you. Campaigning takes such a toll on ones welfare and time that I find myself too exhausted to correspond. 

            Well these latest hostilities have been concluded successfully; I daresay those pompous old house wives at Gormanghast court will have their knickers in a ca-fuddle. Better that, than a gentleman find his finest hosiery round his ankles like some Vulgarian washer woman’s bloomers.  I’m sure quality is assured now that their tropical sweat shops are under the strict watchful eyes of St Elmo’s notorious task masters. Indeed, I almost pity those poor souls under that particular lash. Still, in such an important matter as a Gentleman’s appearance, sacrifices must be made.

            Talking of sacrifices, I am tired of seeing Albion’s fine flower bled out on these foreign fields. Victory has come at a price. Not all has gone to plan. The Gorman’s have delivered a fine lesson in close order foot drill whilst the Phlegm’s, a devastating lesson in musketry. Throughout all though the stout hearted youth of our flowering nation have levelled their Bayonets and charged.

 Perhaps it is therefore fortuitous that I am soon to return home to you and our estates. Much has been occurring in my absence. Results from the Grim Moot are unprecedented. Finally accord has been made with our First Nation Brothers. We are, finally and rightly, now a fully integrated nation. One People! One Land!

Upon my return I have two Months leave with you the hounds and the children.  A cruise I feel! Yes a cruise around the shores of Albion. Good, that’s decided. My orders from ‘Grim Old’ 4 himself then place me in Command of our first Army of Barwonga Irregulars. Very exciting. Perhaps a feather jauntily placed in my hat will suit. 

Your affectionate husband,

Editors Notes

  1. Lord Effingham’s pet name for his wife, Lady Daphne.
  2. Grim Moot – Albion Parliamentary Decision making session.
  3. Accord between Monarchy and Parliament of Albion and Grand Chief Umpa Lumpa of the Barwonka Nation finally unifying the peoples of Albion.
  4. ‘Grim Old’. Monarch of Albion. Direct descendent  of Ætheling Grimmer Effervold Conqueror and Founding Father of Albion.

1 comment:

  1. truly excellent. I shall enjoy reading all of this :))

    ReplyDelete